Winning the Prize

I’ve often heard that couples that lack chemistry in their relationship are akin to a time bomb waiting to go off. That’s exactly what happened to me. There is a lot of discussion about sex in the media, but there is very little discussion regarding its relationship to sustainable love. Most people are very confused about this nexus. While many psychologists focus on behavioral and communication issues, both vital components in a successful relationship, there is too little focus on the importance of chemistry.

I did not have chemistry in my first marriage and didn’t realize it until I met the man who would become my second husband. The potency of passion should not be ignored. It’s often the glue that keeps partners together when life’s many stresses conspire to challenge them. Needless to say, couples face a host of problems thus it’s important to be cognizant of the choices we make as we seek long-term partnerships. Compatibility must include the seminal ingredient of attraction. Without it, relationships are more susceptible to the threat of one or both partners finding that magic element elsewhere.

When applying my theory to couples, I noticed that the failure of certain relationships, such as Shania Twain and Robert Lange, Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Senator Mark Sandford and his wife Jenny and many others have resulted, in part, from a lack of chemistry; these couples were not enough of a facial feature matches and that, combined with other issues, eventually drove them apart. When someone leaves a union, they are not necessarily selfish or evil. Eventually, the absence of the sort of chemistry generated when people share facial features takes its toll. When love is accompanied by real desire, there is nothing like it, and failing to honor that can create a sense of despair and loss. What often complicates this revelation is that families and children are already involved and the pain is magnified. And the new love founded on the solid foundation of mutual attraction can suffer the stresses of resolving old relationships and navigating the often treacherous course of blending families. When I left my first husband, whom I loved but had no chemistry with, I understood how horrible it must be for closeted gay people who suffer the indignities of living a lie. Once I met my second husband, he was like oxygen to me. At first, I felt terribly selfish for leaving my first husband and creating chaos in the lives of my children, but I could not live a lie and I knew that honoring my self was ultimately the best example I could set.

Being aware of the importance of chemistry can help people make wiser and more mature choices so they are less likely to inflict unnecessary pain on their families. If our choices are better guided by better information, we are less likely to jump from relationship to relationship, creating havoc along the way.

Having a family is a prize; we win that prize when we seek healthy relationships with all the requisite ingredients. Other than health, there is nothing more precious than love. Love adds meaning to all our other endeavors. I had the immeasurable gift of love and I lost it. After 15 years with a man with whom I had chemistry, the marriage ended and, while I have two great kids, I know the pain of navigating life without the blessing of a partner. My friends sometimes comment on my lack of love and say you’re picky or the timing isn’t right. I know the reason is that I have not yet met another facial feature match.  As my previous blog attests, for a woman of my age in New York City, finding love certainly is a numbers game. It’s imperative to keep the face in mind when playing that game; it’s the only way to win!

Senator Mark Sandford, ex wife Jenny Sandford and new love Maria Belan Chapur. Shania Twain, ex husband Robert Lange and new husband Frederic Theibaud
















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